another day of reflection, mostly feeling anxious, and then just tired.  Decision made, but not executed.  I am prideful, so hate to leave a mess, hate the thought of being judged.  Just realized I wrote hate twice.  A word I rarely use, but I used it about, or against myself.  But it really goes back to pride.  I need approval, she did a good job, she was great, blah blah blah.
I will quit my job tomorrow.  I will go in early, before anyone else, and clean up, and leave notes and all that.  Pack a few of my personal belongings and lock the door on my way out. I know a lot about abuse, about power and relationships, and I never thought I would struggle to understand I am in an abusive relationship with my boss.  I want to find reasons, and understand, and support, and wrap around and ... and... and..
thankfully, I have self respect.  I laid in my bed and realized I don't need this shit.  for real. I am torn apart, my instinct is to fix, mend, heal.  And I am a fucking mess.  So time to pull the plug.  not my monkeys, not my zoo.
So in the morning I will go in very early, put some things in order, and leave my letter of resignation.  and I am done.

and, when a door closes, another opens...
soup kitchen here I come!

all done now... all done now.  all done.

ironically this is a saying at my workplace, kind of a joke.  but it is not a joke.  it is a comment on a much deeper and ongoing problem.

I took on a position for which I am well qualified, and I am confident I have learned a lot, and done well.  I am doing well, things are better,.. people feel more secure, confident, they have  the positive  leadership that they need to thrive.

but.. or as my coach would say... and

I work for an organization that is dysfunctional, and the dysfunction is at the top, and, it trickles down

It has turned into an abusive relationship, all about power and control, belittling, then smiling and being nice.  No good morning, avoidance, left wondering.  Talking with others behind closed doors.  About me?  maybe, maybe not.  Wondering if I will be fired, and ironically hoping I will be fired.  The person I report to has lots of trauma and history, and I get that.  And not surprisingly, trust issues.  And I get that too. 

but, or and

I deserve to be treated with respect, supported and trained.

Instead I am berated, criticized, micro managed and most of the time confused.  Because the direction, or sometimes lack of direction is difficult to navigate.  because apparently, I "told you". you are not following my direction".  but the direction changes like the wind.  So now, we communicate by email, for the record.

And I am probably brighter than most.  And my Emotional EQ is exceptionally high.  But, and.

I cannot be treated this way, I am done.  All done now.

I am conflicted because I have just forged such a wonderful, strong and supportive connection with the people I work with.  Except now I have been castrated, undermined and embarrassed.  I cannot make a decision without talking with other senior staff, because that is team work.  Nope, that is not team work, that is controlling behaviour. 

The decision to leave is already made, I want to clean some stuff up first, because of my pride, oh, and because I care.  Which is again ironic.  My wage is just less than half of what I made at my last job.  And I was happy to do the work for this low wage, because I can make a difference, I have made a difference.  And now, I have to leave.    Maybe the difference I will make will be with the person who is making it impossible for me to stay.  When you can't keep an exceptionally talented, strong and skilled person in a job, where exactly is the problem?  There is often talk of "healing" the community.  I say, Chief - heal yourself first.