The pattern repeats

 so, I just re-read all my blogs.  I have a lot of insight into myself, and I apparently regularly go into repeat mode.  I am, once again, in the same difficult place I have been in before.  It is all about a values conflict.  I want to do good, I want to honour and respect and include people, I want us to get there (wherever "there" is) together. 

And, once more, the pattern repeats.  The ends justify the means.  And, for me, they do not.  We may even have the same goal, but (and - Scott I hear you) we are working at odds.  Communication is so critical.  Collaboration is powerful.  but, and, I detest people working behinds the scenes, this time, it has become the "old boys club", except it's all women.  The "back room".  Someone I counted as a friend, is a master manipulator, indeed, as recently as a day or two ago, she continued to manipulate me.  It's not a friendship I want anymore.  I see now what the end goal was, honesty, fairness, transparency and accountability were not part of it, not at all.  I feel used. 

And so, like so many other times, I need to leave.  I am stuck between confronting the issues, or just leaving.  Probably, the latter is best.  I could say my piece, and it will not make a damn bit of difference.  Sometimes it is best to just leave. 

another day of reflection, mostly feeling anxious, and then just tired.  Decision made, but not executed.  I am prideful, so hate to leave a mess, hate the thought of being judged.  Just realized I wrote hate twice.  A word I rarely use, but I used it about, or against myself.  But it really goes back to pride.  I need approval, she did a good job, she was great, blah blah blah.
I will quit my job tomorrow.  I will go in early, before anyone else, and clean up, and leave notes and all that.  Pack a few of my personal belongings and lock the door on my way out. I know a lot about abuse, about power and relationships, and I never thought I would struggle to understand I am in an abusive relationship with my boss.  I want to find reasons, and understand, and support, and wrap around and ... and... and..
thankfully, I have self respect.  I laid in my bed and realized I don't need this shit.  for real. I am torn apart, my instinct is to fix, mend, heal.  And I am a fucking mess.  So time to pull the plug.  not my monkeys, not my zoo.
So in the morning I will go in very early, put some things in order, and leave my letter of resignation.  and I am done.

and, when a door closes, another opens...
soup kitchen here I come!

all done now... all done now.  all done.

ironically this is a saying at my workplace, kind of a joke.  but it is not a joke.  it is a comment on a much deeper and ongoing problem.

I took on a position for which I am well qualified, and I am confident I have learned a lot, and done well.  I am doing well, things are better,.. people feel more secure, confident, they have  the positive  leadership that they need to thrive.

but.. or as my coach would say... and

I work for an organization that is dysfunctional, and the dysfunction is at the top, and, it trickles down

It has turned into an abusive relationship, all about power and control, belittling, then smiling and being nice.  No good morning, avoidance, left wondering.  Talking with others behind closed doors.  About me?  maybe, maybe not.  Wondering if I will be fired, and ironically hoping I will be fired.  The person I report to has lots of trauma and history, and I get that.  And not surprisingly, trust issues.  And I get that too. 

but, or and

I deserve to be treated with respect, supported and trained.

Instead I am berated, criticized, micro managed and most of the time confused.  Because the direction, or sometimes lack of direction is difficult to navigate.  because apparently, I "told you". you are not following my direction".  but the direction changes like the wind.  So now, we communicate by email, for the record.

And I am probably brighter than most.  And my Emotional EQ is exceptionally high.  But, and.

I cannot be treated this way, I am done.  All done now.

I am conflicted because I have just forged such a wonderful, strong and supportive connection with the people I work with.  Except now I have been castrated, undermined and embarrassed.  I cannot make a decision without talking with other senior staff, because that is team work.  Nope, that is not team work, that is controlling behaviour. 

The decision to leave is already made, I want to clean some stuff up first, because of my pride, oh, and because I care.  Which is again ironic.  My wage is just less than half of what I made at my last job.  And I was happy to do the work for this low wage, because I can make a difference, I have made a difference.  And now, I have to leave.    Maybe the difference I will make will be with the person who is making it impossible for me to stay.  When you can't keep an exceptionally talented, strong and skilled person in a job, where exactly is the problem?  There is often talk of "healing" the community.  I say, Chief - heal yourself first.

that moment

We are incredibly lucky to spend part of our year in a wonderful warm (figurative and literally) place over the winter months. Relative to many many people in Mexico, we are wealthy beyond imagination.  From our point of view, we are doing OK, but, at least from my point of view we are far, far from  our countries definition of wealthy.  We  decided to take some of our life savings and purchase a small condo in Puerto Vallarta last year.  (by the way, I get it, the fact that we can do this is something that is not in the cards for many).  We believe our investment in our joy factor and our future is worth a whole lot more than any RRSP.  Anyway, I digress.  From a Canadian point of view, for most people, spending $10 or $20 or even $50 is not a big deal.  For a Mexican working here, many make between $7 and $15 a day, so their perspective about wealth and "disposable" income is very different.  Sadly, the minimum daily wage here is as low as 88 pesos per day, and the truth is that some Margaritas are more than that.  One Margarita.  Hopefully a good one.  And I have paid a full Mexican's day of wages on one Margarita.
But anyway, that was not what I wanted to talk about.  We are in a very small condo complex (only 8 units) and the condo organization pays for two staff - Billy and Margo.  Billy is the property manager, he speaks English very well, does everything you can imagine that needs doing.  Without him, we would be sunk.  (By the way, he is paid well above the minimum amount noted above).. Margo, who is Billies mother does all of the cleaning, included in our condo fees is cleaning once a week. She makes less, but works half days. So, we have this sort of weird employer/wild income discrepancy thing. Billie recently got married, and is pretty thrilled that he has been able to save and buy some land.  He is building a house and told me 'you have to make the nest first" when I asked him if he planned to have a family.  He works 6 days a week for us, and after he leaves here at 4 or 5, he drives taxi until 11 at night to make extra money.  On Sunday, his day off, he works on his house.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Shifting gears

So I stopped working at my full time career job about 3 weeks ago.  While I was looking forward to the day I could stop, now that I have stopped I am realizing just how much decompression will be needed.  Decompression for me involves a sort of vegetative state, I am doing a whole lot of  nothing.  The best nothing is walking,  I have noticed that I am often tired - even sleepy during the day.  Not from activity or work, in fact the opposite.  I am doing almost nothing, and yet am exhausted.  So I set out on a walk, learning to make no commitment to destination or length, just start walking.  It reminds me of Forest Gump, one day he just started running, because he felt like it.  One day I walked over 5 km's.  None of it felt long, or hard, or difficult, I enjoyed all of it.  Just soaking up life, and nature, sounds and smells, sun on my skin, wind in my hair.  Perhaps this is a cleansing.  It is a cleansing.  I feel refreshed a little more each day. 

is it warm or is it cold?

Walking on the beach early this morning I realized something sort of profound.  I've noticed this before, but had not thought of it in this context.  If you walk on the beach in the heat of the day, and allow the waves to wash up around your feet and calves, the water may feel cool, even cold.  The beach I walk on is in a large bay off the Pacific Ocean, it is warm enough that humpback whales come here each winter to give birth, raise their young and mate. But it is not warm like the Caribbean.  Water temperature here is around  25 Celsius or 78 Fahrenheit.  When the ambient temperature is 30 Celsius or 86 Fahrenheit the water feels cool.  And here is the surprise.  For a morning walk, when the sun has not yet hit the beach, the nights cool down, and the temperature at 8:30 am might be around 20 Celsius or 68 Fahrenheit, or lower... So when one walks the beach in the early morning, the night cooled sand is cold, the water warmed sand is warm, and the water feels very warm indeed.  Here is the profound thing.  It is all about perspective.  The ocean did not change, it is still the same ocean, the same water, the same temperature.  Depending on your perspective it can feel cool, even cold, or truly warm and warming.  The next time you feel cool or cold about something, think about your perspective.  If you change it, does it change how you feel?